Relationships

Suggestion & Answer (1)

I honestly didn’t think I would get any suggestions using this new Instagram Quesitons feature about topics to write about but (1) I did and (2) one of them really fired me up.

The suggestion I received wasn’t really a suggestion at all, but it was a question about why I give “bad” people and/or scenarios such a spotlight on my blog.

The original intent of this blog (see my first post here) was to be an honest expression of myself. And, whether I like it or not, I often learn the most about life and myself (and honestly grow) from the tough stuff not the times when the sun is shining the brightest.

For example I write about my Mom a lot. And, yeah, it’s sad and maybe a bit morbid to people, but her being gone impacts my life every day. I had to “teach myself” everything I know about being a woman – starting from the basics like how to put in a tampon when I finally got my period (*makes a note to write about this because it’s actually a great story*) – and years later I’m still doing that in little ways. And, it’s not even just lessons, it can be feelings of jealousy or disappointment surrounding things others experience that I never will, and how to navigate those emotions. Like how I cry every time I watch Say Yes To The Dress because it’s a reminder of something we’ll never get to do together… Does that make sense?

As far as mentioning people who have hurt me, those situations shape me just the same. But, I wouldn’t say I give anyone a spotlight. I don’t mention names (or really specific scenarios), and considering I am pretty quiet, very few people know the details of the situations I reference unless you’re someone I often turn to for advice.

I personally feel that we put too much weight on the strength of your fall back game, our ability to quickly go cold, and simply forget something has happened.

That’s just not me, nor does it make me feel very peaceful inside.

I could spend all my energy making sure I keep this negative attitude towards someone and put up this front of nonchalant-ness (def not a word lol), or I can express all my emotions in black and white on this page, forgive, and let it go (which I don’t care what anyone say, does not happen instantly). Move on stronger, wiser, and happier… Breaking to take better shape type stuff.

Lastly, I will mention that once I realized people actually read what I was writing and were able to relate to a lot of it, I became less embarrassed and hesitant to share. You’d be surprised how many people are going through things similar to what you are experiencing.

I will put some thought, however, into sharing more of my happier stories. Thank you for your question.

-Loni

(I have not been signing my posts, s/o to the person who noticed. Also, this was fun. I may do more.)

Self Love

If you are someone who has read my blog from the beginning you know a few undeniable facts about me: (1) I am notorious for writing something and then making the post private a few days later, that (2) I am the most hopeless of all romantics, and that (3) I battled insecurity when I was younger.

Let’s focus on the third.

Where this insecurity stemmed from could/will be a post of its own, but at a high-level I didn’t value myself and I would seek validation from the people I dated (you can read more about this here).

Why is this important? Well, let’s think of dating as growing trees (it’s weird, I know, just trust me).

Your love for yourself is your own full-grown, adult tree. When a person with no Self Love dates, they uproot their tree and hand it to the other person like an offering. But, after some time, what happens to an uprooted tree? It dies. You have to start over, and it often takes a long time to simply find some new seeds to plant. When you have Self Love, instead of offering your whole tree, you take one of the seeds from your tree and plant them together with the other person, and you watch a new kind of tree grow. Now, this doesn’t guarantee the newer baby tree will ever live to adulthood, or that some “natural disaster” won’t come and rip it from the ground. But, at least when you walk away from that situation/person, you still have a full-grown tree/Self Love of your own to sustain you.

So, why is this my on my mind today? I’m glad I can count on you all to ask.

On Tuesday our pastor made a couple of points that brought me to tears. They reminded me how desperately I prayed for just the seeds to grow a tree, and it made me realize that without the Self Love I have now what kind of place I would be in mentally and emotionally. The message was simple, that we were created in His image and that no matter what is going on in my life that God wants me, but those were the exact words that were said to me ~4 years ago when I started going to church regularly as an adult. Those were the words that helped me out of my own insecurity. I would repeat a silent prayer of God, You love me, I am created in YOUR image and therefore I AM beautiful, You gave me a divine purpose, my life has more meaning than the value others see in me. Plant these words in my heart… And, here we are.

The life between my 25th birthday and my 26th birthday tested me in so many ways that I am confident “Insecure Me” would not have made it through. From a couple of weeks before my 25th birthday thinking I had love to being told they decided to try out a relationship with someone else, to being reduced to a rebound, to being stood up while traveling out-of-state, and to unknowingly participating in a 6 month situationship (…is anyone else singing Bounce Back in their head… no… just me, ok)… Even if she did survive it, “Insecure Me” would never think of these as lessons learned, but rather reasons why she wasn’t valuable. And, she definitely wouldn’t have ever admitted any of these embarrassing stories to the world.

Good thing she’s no longer with us.

I go into year 26 still learning. I’m learning that some people will suck (that’s just one of those many unavoidable truths of life that sits on the list with the fact that people will always judge you for what you wear no matter how you’re dressed…), but that shouldn’t change how good of a person I am. That not everyone can return what you are looking for, but that doesn’t have an impact just how deeply I love myself. That everything has it’s own time/season. And, that none of the situations I previously mentioned determine my worth.

Ima just sit in the shade of this tree waiting on the day that someone is out here looking for a PYT who loves Hot Cheetos and the Lord, is trying to find more time to cook, thinks unexpected adventures are often the best dates, and loves to cuddle and watch movies (and will let you know she figured out the ending, therefore spoiling the movie 30 mins in)…

“I Hate Hook-Up Culture…”

I have had a lot of weird situations happen lately, which led me to post “Yall aren’t tired of hook-up culture yet” on IG.

I feel like when I say that it immediately scares people away. And, this was confirmed because I received about 20 DMs saying that this wasn’t going to make people want to approach me.

It is what it is.

I know that my stance on it is 83% (yes, I calculated this…lol) why I’m single at the moment. But, I feel I have valid reasons for saying it that no one chooses to stick around and hear. Well, little baby blog, that’s why I have you.

Let’s rant.

I hate hook-up culture not because of the hooking-up. Rather, I hate it because of how people tend to act while this “getting to know you” phase is happening.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

I’m the type of person who doesn’t like to “hook-up” with more than one person at a time. I know myself, and it would honestly be an emotional disaster. And, I have no problem telling you that. But, this is a huge no-no, clearly, that often scares people away. Immediately. No more convo to be had. They make it about me being possessive in their heads instead of , I don’t know, actually listening to what I have to say – that it’s simply me guarding my own emotions (and my panini, obviously)…

Ending the convo at that point also means I’m rarely asked if they can hook-up with other people. If we aren’t exclusive I “don’t care” what you do (obviously people care even if they want to say they don’t, but I can’t hold you to a standard that we haven’t set). That is dating. You get to know people. I just choose not to get to know everyone on a physical level. So, shoot me.

Honest Communication.

Here’s the real kicker. Because we have all these things going on, we feel the need to tell half-truths as to not ruin anything you have going on that now involves very real feelings. I would prefer your transparency. Don’t try to spin your truths on me, start a fight to avoid a talk, or make me the one to make a decision for you.

You hooked-up with Cindy, and now you have feelings that you want to explore more closely? Bet, thanks for letting me know. You don’t want a relationship any time soon? Bet, thanks for letting me know.

Just let me choose how I want to move forward. Let me decide if my connection with you is worth exploring further or if I want to opt out.

Knowing When it’s a Waste of Time.

I said the previous one was the kicker, but this is indeed the kicker lol. I think we all need to better gauge when we are wasting someone’s time (money, energy, peace, etc.). Whatever the case may be. Don’t engage with people if you’re not available (I don’t just mean being single, but emotionally). Don’t keep them around because its grown comfortable when you know there is nothing further to be had. Don’t give mixed signals.

I’m not perfect. I could def be a better communicator. I could also stop assuming my emotions speak when it may not be as clear as I think it is. But, at least I’m attempting to be cognizant of it.

It’s like we have two types of people left: you’re either a hopeless romantic (and nothing can make you not want to try to find love again) or dating sucks and you’re not interested. And, it’s sad to see…

I’m sure I’ll add more to this later.

Dating?

It’s crazy that while half of my peers are in relationships and getting engaged/married, the other half have sworn off dating all together. I truly think it’s because the dating world is not always very pleasant or inviting. Not many people are dating intentionally, or it’s just not clear who is. There is a lot of dishonestly and confusion, creating a huge lack of trust… but there is also a lot of loneliness, which now creates a huge problem.

We have a bunch of not really single people (you know when you’re “talking” to “your man” for two years because you’re “not pressed” [you lied] for a relationship… but you also don’t want to be alone… but you don’t go on dates because “you’re chillin”… but you spend all hours of the day together/texting… but he can “see other people”… but you still be crying because why should he need to… but he’s not your man……….. Sound familiar? No? Just me then. Cool. Lol.) in the dating pool.

It’s bad enough feeling as though you have found your person, only to realize they’re not. It’s ten times worse when all of this could have been avoided with a simple conversation that seems to rarely happen because of that thought that it could bring a quick end to/put a damper on things if you both aren’t on the same page… but most times that’s how it ends up going anyways, right? So, if you know what you want and communicate it, there’s no reason for any of us to be in these bizarre “situationships” and developing such a negative attitude towards relationships.

All of this lack of transparency and all of the blurred lines make dating complicated for everyone (those who want relationships and those who don’t). This is not to say that now that we are of a certain age we absolutely have to be seeking marriage. That’s just not true. What I am saying is that we are of a certain age where transparency and honesty are a must.

Personally, I’m trying to get to at least my Grandparents’ 60+ years, but this is now a scary thing given the way we date in 2018. It feels this way because eventually you gotta put all your eggs into one basket and just pray to God that person cares about not breaking them as much as you do… as your stomach twists and turns with that I’m just trying not to look dumb feeling (that all of us twenty-something’s have felt at least once) when starting the process all over.

But we ultimately do. You know, not look dumb, but start again… put our eggs into one basket. Hoping to get it right. Even though getting it right seems less like anything we can make happen ourselves and more of the stars aligning…

-Loni

Monday Thoughts

“If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back it’s yours.

If not, it was never meant to be.”

I always thought this quote was dumb to be completely honest. If you love something why would you ever let it go? Well I guess that’s the beauty of getting older. Finding yourself in these weird adult situations. Although it’s a lot easier to picture the kinds of scenarios that were the inspiration for this quote playing out in my own life now, it still doesn’t resolve the dilemma for me. Is a well-known saying enough to convince me to let go? I mean this isn’t the Titanic, and unlike Rose I am dealing with a living, breathing human here. I need to know, was this something that was proven like the law of universal gravitation? Is it somehow related to the science that makes boomerangs work? Or, is it just another one of those sayings that help push people to make difficult and/or very necessary decisions…

If it is true, why am I the one thinking these thoughts? How did I draw the short straw? What about my current happiness? How long does it take for “the return”? Will you even know that there will be a return, or do you feel empty every single day until it happens?

On the other hand, what if it’s not true, and they never come back? What if I never find this again? What if it’s all a huge mistake? Will the lightening of the weight on their shoulders due to freedom from all of this anxiety provide me with enough joy to mask my pain? Do we really want to see someone happy if it’s not with us, or do we just tell ourselves that to feel better… to put up a front that is less for other people, but mostly to convince ourselves that we’re strong enough to handle it? Am I really crazy enough to (possibly) forfeit this?

I’m sure it’s easy to determine what to do from the outside looking in… whether to let go or to hold on for as long as you have strength. But, I’m not on the outside, am I? And, although I could rid myself of this constant emptiness in the pit of my stomach, I’m certain that missing all of their subtleties would bring it right back… like how they squeeze my first two fingers when I reach for a hand, or how they always attempt to hold back their smile a couple of seconds before it happens (if you blink you could miss it completely)…

There’s just no guarantee here, and in life you don’t get a re-do. This is like jumping off of a cliff without checking whether there’s water or rocks below. So, what would you do?  Comply or create your own rules? Release control or hold on for dear life?

– Loni