Love

Honeycomb

I am a honeycomb.

Intriguing, detailed, beautiful even… from a distance. Then immediately puzzle-like, intimating, and unapproachable when you see the swarm of honeybees protecting my innermost stuff.

My gold. You know, that raw kind of honey. Full of vitamins, enzymes and antioxidants… my fears, my insecurities, and my secrets to life and healing.

Nah… I’m sorry. I don’t open myself up at your command. I’m not a shiny bear-shaped bottle with a pop-top.

We honeycombs need a beekeeper not a convenience store shopper.

Someone who prepares to be stung, but with so much patience and skill that it may never happen. Who doesn’t carelessly destroy the honeycomb or use it up in their pursuit of the honey inside…

-Loni

Dating?

It’s crazy that while half of my peers are in relationships and getting engaged/married, the other half have sworn off dating all together. I truly think it’s because the dating world is not always very pleasant or inviting. Not many people are dating intentionally, or it’s just not clear who is. There is a lot of dishonestly and confusion, creating a huge lack of trust… but there is also a lot of loneliness, which now creates a huge problem.

We have a bunch of not really single people (you know when you’re “talking” to “your man” for two years because you’re “not pressed” [you lied] for a relationship… but you also don’t want to be alone… but you don’t go on dates because “you’re chillin”… but you spend all hours of the day together/texting… but he can “see other people”… but you still be crying because why should he need to… but he’s not your man……….. Sound familiar? No? Just me then. Cool. Lol.) in the dating pool.

It’s bad enough feeling as though you have found your person, only to realize they’re not. It’s ten times worse when all of this could have been avoided with a simple conversation that seems to rarely happen because of that thought that it could bring a quick end to/put a damper on things if you both aren’t on the same page… but most times that’s how it ends up going anyways, right? So, if you know what you want and communicate it, there’s no reason for any of us to be in these bizarre “situationships” and developing such a negative attitude towards relationships.

All of this lack of transparency and all of the blurred lines make dating complicated for everyone (those who want relationships and those who don’t). This is not to say that now that we are of a certain age we absolutely have to be seeking marriage. That’s just not true. What I am saying is that we are of a certain age we’re transparency and honesty are a must.

Personally, I’m trying to get to at least my Grandparents’ 60+ years, but this is now a scary thing given the way we date in 2018. It feels this way because eventually you gotta put all your eggs into one basket and just pray to God that person cares about not breaking them as much as you do… as your stomach twists and turns with that I’m just trying not to look dumb feeling (that all of us twenty-something’s have felt at least once) when starting the process all over.

But we ultimately do. You know, not look dumb, but start again… put our eggs into one basket. Hoping to get it right. Even though getting it right seems less like anything we can make happen ourselves and more of the stars aligning…

-Loni

Monday Thoughts

“If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back it’s yours.

If not, it was never meant to be.”

I always thought this quote was dumb to be completely honest. If you love something why would you ever let it go? Well I guess that’s the beauty of getting older. Finding yourself in these weird adult situations. Although it’s a lot easier to picture the kinds of scenarios that were the inspiration for this quote playing out in my own life now, it still doesn’t resolve the dilemma for me. Is a well-known saying enough to convince me to let go? I mean this isn’t the Titanic, and unlike Rose I am dealing with a living, breathing human here. I need to know, was this something that was proven like the law of universal gravitation? Is it somehow related to the science that makes boomerangs work? Or, is it just another one of those sayings that help push people to make difficult and/or very necessary decisions…

If it is true, why am I the one thinking these thoughts? How did I draw the short straw? What about my current happiness? How long does it take for “the return”? Will you even know that there will be a return, or do you feel empty every single day until it happens?

On the other hand, what if it’s not true, and they never come back? What if I never find this again? What if it’s all a huge mistake? Will the lightening of the weight on their shoulders due to freedom from all of this anxiety provide me with enough joy to mask my pain? Do we really want to see someone happy if it’s not with us, or do we just tell ourselves that to feel better… to put up a front that is less for other people, but mostly to convince ourselves that we’re strong enough to handle it? Am I really crazy enough to (possibly) forfeit this?

I’m sure it’s easy to determine what to do from the outside looking in… whether to let go or to hold on for as long as you have strength. But, I’m not on the outside, am I? And, although I could rid myself of this constant emptiness in the pit of my stomach, I’m certain that missing all of their subtleties would bring it right back… like how they squeeze my first two fingers when I reach for a hand, or how they always attempt to hold back their smile a couple of seconds before it happens (if you blink you could miss it completely)…

There’s just no guarantee here, and in life you don’t get a re-do. This is like jumping off of a cliff without checking whether there’s water or rocks below. So, what would you do?  Comply or create your own rules? Release control or hold on for dear life?

– Loni