Love

“I Hate Hook-Up Culture…”

I have had a lot of weird situations happen lately, which led me to post “Yall aren’t tired of hook-up culture yet” on IG.

I feel like when I say that it immediately scares people away. And, this was confirmed because I received about 20 DMs saying that this wasn’t going to make people want to approach me.

It is what it is.

I know that my stance on it is 83% (yes, I calculated this…lol) why I’m single at the moment. But, I feel I have valid reasons for saying it that no one chooses to stick around and hear. Well, little baby blog, that’s why I have you.

Let’s rant.

I hate hook-up culture not because of the hooking-up. Rather, I hate it because of how people tend to act while this “getting to know you” phase is happening.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

I’m the type of person who doesn’t like to “hook-up” with more than one person at a time. I know myself, and it would honestly be an emotional disaster. And, I have no problem telling you that. But, this is a huge no-no, clearly, that often scares people away. Immediately. No more convo to be had. They make it about me being possessive in their heads instead of , I don’t know, actually listening to what I have to say – that it’s simply me guarding my own emotions (and my panini, obviously)…

Ending the convo at that point also means I’m rarely asked if they can hook-up with other people. If we aren’t exclusive I “don’t care” what you do (obviously people care even if they want to say they don’t, but I can’t hold you to a standard that we haven’t set). That is dating. You get to know people. I just choose not to get to know everyone on a physical level. So, shoot me.

Honest Communication.

Here’s the real kicker. Because we have all these things going on, we feel the need to tell half-truths as to not ruin anything you have going on that now involves very real feelings. I would prefer your transparency. Don’t try to spin your truths on me, start a fight to avoid a talk, or make me the one to make a decision for you.

You hooked-up with Cindy, and now you have feelings that you want to explore more closely? Bet, thanks for letting me know. You don’t want a relationship any time soon? Bet, thanks for letting me know.

Just let me choose how I want to move forward. Let me decide if my connection with you is worth exploring further or if I want to opt out.

Knowing When it’s a Waste of Time.

I said the previous one was the kicker, but this is indeed the kicker lol. I think we all need to better gauge when we are wasting someone’s time (money, energy, peace, etc.). Whatever the case may be. Don’t engage with people if you’re not available (I don’t just mean being single, but emotionally). Don’t keep them around because its grown comfortable when you know there is nothing further to be had. Don’t give mixed signals.

I’m not perfect. I could def be a better communicator. I could also stop assuming my emotions speak when it may not be as clear as I think it is. But, at least I’m attempting to be cognizant of it.

It’s like we have two types of people left: you’re either a hopeless romantic (and nothing can make you not want to try to find love again) or dating sucks and you’re not interested. And, it’s sad to see…

I’m sure I’ll add more to this later.

Life.

I had a conversation with you last week. This conversation exposed me to a funny story that left a young Grant “injured” (mostly his pride) in the backyard in a similar fashion to one of my many “toughen up” sessions with my older sister.

Younger siblings never want to admit it, but we have a different kind of love and respect for our older siblings. They help raise us. And, although it’s mostly in a much less friendly and far less peaceful way than our parents, their “lessons” play a huge role in who we are today.

I didn’t know you well outside of casual convos that sparked from IG Story responses and hanging out a couple times in group settings, but from that time alone I knew you were proud to be Grant’s big brother… You helped raise one of my best friends who also happens to be one of the best people I know all around. So, I just wanted to say thank you for that.

Rest in Complete Paradise. As long as we are here, we promise, Grant will always be ok.

•••

Life is incredibly too short. At 28 or 82 I don’t think anyone will ever say that they wish they had less time. It definitely hurts more when it’s our peers, the 20-somethings… We are still in our invincible years. It’s only really moments like this that remind us and make us reflect on everything.

We need to remember time isn’t promised to any of us.

And, I don’t mean being sad and morbid all of the time. I mean going out and really LIVING. Not wasting time with fear and drama and hate. Being able to look back at every single day and say I don’t regret a minute of how I lived it.

Doing whatever gives you the feeling of sun on your skin, sand between your toes, and wind in your hair…

I need to live like that.

It Only Took 12 Years…

This place has always terrified me.

I remember the first time I came here. It was a beautiful April day, and our car led the procession to the building I walked into a few minutes ago. Everything up to this point was still so surreal to me. It was the day of the funeral and I still questioned if the person they had in the casket could really have been you. I knew you would walk through those doors any minute and say this was all some awful mistake…

I’m not sure what gave me the courage to finally walk into the room I sit in now on that day. I truthfully only made it a couple steps in before seeing the hollow space in the beautiful rose colored marble walls and your name written in gold on the matching marble slab waiting off to the side to later be put back into place.

Instantly the world went silent.

This was real. All these people were real, my itchy blue sweater was real, that beautiful white marble casket did indeed belong to you, and the emptiness I felt inside became so much deeper…

I lost it. I mean you were there. I could hear myself screaming and crying but couldn’t stop.

After what felt like forever (but I’m sure was only a half a minute if that) Dad came from wherever he was, threw me over his shoulder, quickly walked outside and sat me on a bench next to JaMar. He kissed me on the forehead, just as stoic and composed as he always is, and walked back inside.

To be honest, I told myself I would never come here again, Mommy…

Definitely not alone. And, definitely not long enough for my mind to wander or to start to feel anything.

But, here I sit.

Secretly still hoping you would turn the corner and ask why I’m staring at your name on the wall, or what I’m typing out on my phone…

– Loni Monster

Honeycomb

I am a honeycomb.

Intriguing, detailed, beautiful even… from a distance. Then immediately puzzle-like, intimating, and unapproachable when you see the swarm of honeybees protecting my innermost stuff.

My gold. You know, that raw kind of honey. Full of vitamins, enzymes and antioxidants… my fears, my insecurities, and my secrets to life and healing.

Nah… I’m sorry. I don’t open myself up at your command. I’m not a shiny bear-shaped bottle with a pop-top.

We honeycombs need a beekeeper not a convenience store shopper.

Someone who prepares to be stung, but with so much patience and skill that it may never happen. Who doesn’t carelessly destroy the honeycomb or use it up in their pursuit of the honey inside…

-Loni

Dating?

It’s crazy that while half of my peers are in relationships and getting engaged/married, the other half have sworn off dating all together. I truly think it’s because the dating world is not always very pleasant or inviting. Not many people are dating intentionally, or it’s just not clear who is. There is a lot of dishonestly and confusion, creating a huge lack of trust… but there is also a lot of loneliness, which now creates a huge problem.

We have a bunch of not really single people (you know when you’re “talking” to “your man” for two years because you’re “not pressed” [you lied] for a relationship… but you also don’t want to be alone… but you don’t go on dates because “you’re chillin”… but you spend all hours of the day together/texting… but he can “see other people”… but you still be crying because why should he need to… but he’s not your man……….. Sound familiar? No? Just me then. Cool. Lol.) in the dating pool.

It’s bad enough feeling as though you have found your person, only to realize they’re not. It’s ten times worse when all of this could have been avoided with a simple conversation that seems to rarely happen because of that thought that it could bring a quick end to/put a damper on things if you both aren’t on the same page… but most times that’s how it ends up going anyways, right? So, if you know what you want and communicate it, there’s no reason for any of us to be in these bizarre “situationships” and developing such a negative attitude towards relationships.

All of this lack of transparency and all of the blurred lines make dating complicated for everyone (those who want relationships and those who don’t). This is not to say that now that we are of a certain age we absolutely have to be seeking marriage. That’s just not true. What I am saying is that we are of a certain age where transparency and honesty are a must.

Personally, I’m trying to get to at least my Grandparents’ 60+ years, but this is now a scary thing given the way we date in 2018. It feels this way because eventually you gotta put all your eggs into one basket and just pray to God that person cares about not breaking them as much as you do… as your stomach twists and turns with that I’m just trying not to look dumb feeling (that all of us twenty-something’s have felt at least once) when starting the process all over.

But we ultimately do. You know, not look dumb, but start again… put our eggs into one basket. Hoping to get it right. Even though getting it right seems less like anything we can make happen ourselves and more of the stars aligning…

-Loni

Monday Thoughts

“If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back it’s yours.

If not, it was never meant to be.”

I always thought this quote was dumb to be completely honest. If you love something why would you ever let it go? Well I guess that’s the beauty of getting older. Finding yourself in these weird adult situations. Although it’s a lot easier to picture the kinds of scenarios that were the inspiration for this quote playing out in my own life now, it still doesn’t resolve the dilemma for me. Is a well-known saying enough to convince me to let go? I mean this isn’t the Titanic, and unlike Rose I am dealing with a living, breathing human here. I need to know, was this something that was proven like the law of universal gravitation? Is it somehow related to the science that makes boomerangs work? Or, is it just another one of those sayings that help push people to make difficult and/or very necessary decisions…

If it is true, why am I the one thinking these thoughts? How did I draw the short straw? What about my current happiness? How long does it take for “the return”? Will you even know that there will be a return, or do you feel empty every single day until it happens?

On the other hand, what if it’s not true, and they never come back? What if I never find this again? What if it’s all a huge mistake? Will the lightening of the weight on their shoulders due to freedom from all of this anxiety provide me with enough joy to mask my pain? Do we really want to see someone happy if it’s not with us, or do we just tell ourselves that to feel better… to put up a front that is less for other people, but mostly to convince ourselves that we’re strong enough to handle it? Am I really crazy enough to (possibly) forfeit this?

I’m sure it’s easy to determine what to do from the outside looking in… whether to let go or to hold on for as long as you have strength. But, I’m not on the outside, am I? And, although I could rid myself of this constant emptiness in the pit of my stomach, I’m certain that missing all of their subtleties would bring it right back… like how they squeeze my first two fingers when I reach for a hand, or how they always attempt to hold back their smile a couple of seconds before it happens (if you blink you could miss it completely)…

There’s just no guarantee here, and in life you don’t get a re-do. This is like jumping off of a cliff without checking whether there’s water or rocks below. So, what would you do?  Comply or create your own rules? Release control or hold on for dear life?

– Loni