If you are someone who has read my blog from the beginning you know a few undeniable facts about me: (1) I am notorious for writing something and then making the post private a few days later, that (2) I am the most hopeless of all romantics, and that (3) I battled insecurity when I was younger.
Let’s focus on the third.
Where this insecurity stemmed from could/will be a post of its own, but at a high-level I didn’t value myself and I would seek validation from the people I dated (you can read more about this here).
Why is this important? Well, let’s think of dating as growing trees (it’s weird, I know, just trust me).
Your love for yourself is your own full-grown, adult tree. When a person with no Self Love dates, they uproot their tree and hand it to the other person like an offering. But, after some time, what happens to an uprooted tree? It dies. You have to start over, and it often takes a long time to simply find some new seeds to plant. When you have Self Love, instead of offering your whole tree, you take one of the seeds from your tree and plant them together with the other person, and you watch a new kind of tree grow. Now, this doesn’t guarantee the newer baby tree will ever live to adulthood, or that some “natural disaster” won’t come and rip it from the ground. But, at least when you walk away from that situation/person, you still have a full-grown tree/Self Love of your own to sustain you.
So, why is this my on my mind today? I’m glad I can count on you all to ask.
On Tuesday our pastor made a couple of points that brought me to tears. They reminded me how desperately I prayed for just the seeds to grow a tree, and it made me realize that without the Self Love I have now what kind of place I would be in mentally and emotionally. The message was simple, that we were created in His image and that no matter what is going on in my life that God wants me, but those were the exact words that were said to me ~4 years ago when I started going to church regularly as an adult. Those were the words that helped me out of my own insecurity. I would repeat a silent prayer of God, You love me, I am created in YOUR image and therefore I AM beautiful, You gave me a divine purpose, my life has more meaning than the value others see in me. Plant these words in my heart… And, here we are.
The life between my 25th birthday and my 26th birthday tested me in so many ways that I am confident “Insecure Me” would not have made it through. From a couple of weeks before my 25th birthday thinking I had love to being told they decided to try out a relationship with someone else, to being reduced to a rebound, to being stood up while traveling out-of-state, and to unknowingly participating in a 6 month situationship (…is anyone else singing Bounce Back in their head… no… just me, ok)… Even if she did survive it, “Insecure Me” would never think of these as lessons learned, but rather reasons why she wasn’t valuable. And, she definitely wouldn’t have ever admitted any of these embarrassing stories to the world.
Good thing she’s no longer with us.
I go into year 26 still learning. I’m learning that some people will suck (that’s just one of those many unavoidable truths of life that sits on the list with the fact that people will always judge you for what you wear no matter how you’re dressed…), but that shouldn’t change how good of a person I am. That not everyone can return what you are looking for, but that doesn’t have an impact just how deeply I love myself. That everything has it’s own time/season. And, that none of the situations I previously mentioned determine my worth.
Ima just sit in the shade of this tree waiting on the day that someone is out here looking for a PYT who loves Hot Cheetos and the Lord, is trying to find more time to cook, thinks unexpected adventures are often the best dates, and loves to cuddle and watch movies (and will let you know she figured out the ending, therefore spoiling the movie 30 mins in)…