The Talk

In an attempt to continue to grow my relationship with God, and as a result of situations I have previously found myself in with people who aided in my confusion between lust and love, I made the choice to be abstinent. This decision was a good choice for me personally, but since I am dating and getting to know new people, it has started to become a decision I have to more openly share with others.

More often than not, I find myself needing to have “The Talk” right away on first dates (it’s crazy how fast sex comes up when you meet someone nowadays, which is a frustration  of mine that happened to escape Computer Love). I don’t want to say that every guy has responded negatively to these talks, because they haven’t. And, I definitely don’t want to say that every guy who has disagreed was completely false in his opinion, because that is not the case either. But, what I can say is that “The Talk” is known to produce responses that have left me perplexed to say the least (especially if I don’t know the person well), so I thought I would share a couple of those with you.


What good is a girlfriend if I can’t have sex with her?

This view on relationships is interesting to me. I thought at this point in our lives, most of us are dating with the purpose of discovering more about ourselves and what we need from a partner, and for some even finding that person to spend your life with along the way. However, it looks like some of us are still in it for the guarantee of a hookup and matching Jordans. But in all seriousness, after probing further (because anyone who knows me understands just how unacceptable this answer was for me… I am a work in progress, pray for me) he rephrased to say, “What good is a girlfriend if I cannot be intimate with her?” In response to this I asked him to explain why sex was the only intimate act he could think of, and although we had a good conversation… we did not agree at the end.

That part of the Bible is no longer relevant.

Hands down the most annoying response I’ve received (three times!), especially when it comes from Christian men. I often find myself wondering how exactly they go about determining what parts of the Bible are no longer relevant, and I’ve never received a solid answer. We want the healing, the saving, the blessings, and the guarantee of heaven to somehow still make sense and exist, but not the uncomfortable and often challenging parts that we are taught to do to display our faith. I bet the wives submitting to husbands part is still relevant… they probably have Colossians 3:18 underlined and highlighted for easy reference.

 What did your Ex do to make you not want to have sex? I can change your mind.  

Nope. Stop. Do not pass “GO”. Do not collect $200. I have nothing further to say to you. In fact, you are probably an expert at creating the exact situations I want to avoid.

If I can’t get it from you, I’m going to get it somewhere else. This is basically an excuse to cheat…

So you mean to tell me, in your late twenties/early thirties you have so little control over your body that if you cannot have sex with your significant other, you go out into the streets and find anyone to have sex with? What happens when she’s traveling on business, or on vacation, or on her period? So, you automatically cheat at least once a month. You are something else…

I respect what you are doing, but it is not for me.

I honestly wanted to throw this man a parade despite the fact that he left me deep within the friend zone. He get’s it. That’s really the point of this post. There is no “winning” on either side. If you decide to freely engage in sex you’re often labeled a hoe. If you decide to wait for a relationship or marriage you’re often looked at as a prude. Just instance #3,862,399 where women are held to an impossible double standard. However, these opinions from others should never cause you to live your life for other people.

You need to be solid in your belief of what is best for your life, yes, but that’s not enough. We also need to stop forcing our opinions onto the lives of others, and start responding to things similarly to the gentleman who is responsible for the last quote. Let’s do a little more listening, and gain a little more understanding even if we don’t agree… Maybe those who were responsible for some of the other responses (besides not ending up on my blog) would have seen my abstinence as less of an attack on them/men or a ploy for attention or to be difficult, and more of a refocusing of my life and the strengthening of a relationship I let go for a couple of years. Because that is exactly what it is. 

-Loni

 

2 comments

  1. Wow!!!! I thoroughly enjoyed this. I could comment enough to write a book 📚 right now but I’ll keep it short by saying this. I, like yourself am now praticing abstinence. Have been doing so for over 2 years now so I certainly respect and understand your choice. My reason in doing so was because the closer I got/get to God, the further I separate from my sins. It’s major stories that also aided in this decision but I want draw out details here. Great blog🙂 I’m going to definitely read the rest and even share some.

    Like

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